Gluttony - My Unspoken Sin [shaina]

It's pretty amazing what 3 months of cognitive therapy will do to you. It's a little like the Truman show-- when Truman realizes that his whole life is recorded and millions of people have been watching at his expense. All the self delusions fall apart and you become aware of what everybody else always knew, but perhaps were too "kind" to tell you.

I have always over-eaten, but had a "quick metabolism" and a "healthy appetite" and a "sprinters build". Well via the help of self-realization I've come to discover that I over-ate at school because dinner at home was scant. Being raised by a single father meant we made the food, and having nobody to teach you how to cook, and minimal groceries in the house to eat anyway, my way of coping was to eat when I had a chance, I ate everything while it was present, twice as much as my peers. This habit of gorging and starving went deep into my way of dealing with food and other things which will come to the surface in time (the redemptive kind of time) I'm sure. . .

This mentality of gorging and starving is very different than feasting and fasting.

Feasting and Fasting is a healthy way of giving our bodies to God, they are disciplines based on confidence in God's provision, in awareness of the season, and to enter into the season while it's here. The Easter Octave (which we just celebrated) is an 8 day feast in which Christians, but especially monks and nuns are eating like kings and queens.

As a child I ate like a child, I responded like a child would, if I'm not going to eat properly tonight then I'm going to eat up now! This is a self preservation technique that many use. What resulted is that I always felt empty, even when I was full of food, I was empty because of the fear that ruled me.

Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if somebody would have had the perception to realize this and had actually said something. I wonder if I would have been angry with them and refused to listen because they didn't know how "athletic" I was, or maybe I would have cried and made an honest self assessment, perhaps I would have made a disciplined eating plan. . . while not ever getting to the CORE of the issue.

What I believe is the core is a fear of being without, a fear of not having what I need, of being stranded alone and starving. These fears are beginning to fall as I confront them with logic and truth, but I'm realizing that it's a war for my soul as much as it is for my body. Now that I am aware of how I dealt with being without, and as an adult I can perceive what I was doing, if I choose to continue the habits of overeating, I am doing so in a culpable state.

In the last 2 months I have lost 10 pounds. Some people would say, oh you're FINE the way you are, what do you mean 10 pounds!?! Did you cut off a limb or something?

Excuses like these are common in our culture: You're only smoking a pack a day, your Internet addiction is not a real problem, if you love each other what's the problem, if your woman isn't giving it to you it's only fair that you have a chance to release yourself, you're not too busy-look at her schedule, stop thinking like that you don't have the capacity for greed- look at all the nice things you do.

These are generally well meaning people who are unfortunately very wrong. A deadly sin is deadly because it will kill you. The way I was eating was damaging my body AND my soul! It was damaging my soul because it was laced with a lack of trust in God. If I'm not trusting God, then who am I trusting?

I'm not an advocate of scrupulosity-- however, looking in the mirror of my soul has helped me to become more free.