O, the Lengths We'll Go [james]

Humans crave community. We need love; we need to love.

In general, a common way for us to show our love and be loved in return is through the wonderful, blissful, sacramental shackle of marriage. And in our modern culture, marriage doesn't happen without at least a few strikeouts in the dating game. Herewith, a few ways to play this game.

speed dating
1. At a bar or church fellowship hall, you participate an organized 'round robin' in which each man interviews each woman (and vice-versa), each hoping to make a life-long connection in 8 minutes. Girls get free drinks; guys talk trash about how many www.tossabledigits.com phones numbers they got.
2. The date is going terribly, and one or both of you are looking for an excuse to end it early and with dignity (for example, "I'm afraid I have to go--my hang nail is acting up").

blind dating
1. You buy dinner for, and make idle chit-chat with, someone you haven't previously met. This is often accompanied by high blood pressure, extraordinary pre-conceived expectations, and deeper devastation when it goes poorly.
2. Dinner with Marlee Matlin. Oh, wait... she's deaf. But you get the idea.
3. See also job interview.

missionary dating
1a. You are devoutly religious and you hope that you will convince him/her to have your same faith. There will be no kissing until you hear those three important words: "I love Jesus."
1b. You're dating a religious freak and you hope that you can help him/her "lighten up."
2. While in the field as a missionary, you're still long-distance dating someone back home who is too pansy to live in a hut.

online dating
You use an impersonal website to hook you up with potential mates. The computer matches you with others based on likes and dislikes, and you filter the computer's matches based on profile pictures taken before the people got fat. See also blind dating.

steady dating
Also called exclusive dating, or going steady. You don't date anyone else, and neither does your sweetheart. You've been together so long that you've already achieved the "marriage blahs" without that pesky obstacle of the marriage ceremony. Friday night is always Princess Bride Night.

office dating
1. You have a semi-serious relationship with someone who is also employed by your employer. Recommended for people who say that they don't like people talking about them, but secretly want other people talking about them. After the break-up, you have to go out of your way to be normal. Which ends up being weird.
2. At your workplace, you spend a lot of time (harmlessly?) flirting with a certain member of the opposite sex. At the end of the business day, you go home to your spouse.
3. You think you're making a connection because you share a couch between 9pm and 9:30pm on Thursdays. I hate to break it to you, but you'll never be Jim. Stop trying.

shot gun dating
1. You go out with as many people as you can in hopes that something good will happen with at least one of them. All your potentials actually do know each other, so make sure you keep your story consistent. Not recommended for people who actually care about other people's feelings.
2. You spend a romantic day at the abandoned quarry with your sweetie, a picnic lunch, and your pump-action Remington 870.

pity dating
You go out with someone because he seems nice, and you hate making people feel bad, and you have been meaning to do a favor for your friend, and she keeps bugging you about her brother... You have no intention of a second date or even enjoying yourself on the first one. But at least you get a free margarita.

carbon dating
1. The process of determining the age of an object based on its elemental carbon markup.
2. You go out with someone who is old enough to be your parent.

quantum dating
Trapped in singleness, you find yourself going from date to date, putting things awkward that once were normal, and hoping each time that your next date will be a date at home.

non-dating dating
1. A form of pseudo-dating in which you and “just a friend” “just hang out” at regular non-date places like coffee shops, ball games, and restaurants (where you invariably pay for dinner). If at any time you suggest the possibility of a real “date,” it's over. For the love of communal lattés, don't say the D word.
2. In your mind, you've had the best date ever. The next one is already planned, and the sky's the limit. Good for you! Maybe next time you can try reality, where you actually ask her out instead of daydreaming it all.