How I Find Out [hannah]

My mom doesn’t come to pick Sarah and me up. As we’re sitting on the porch of the lodge with our suitcases, Jared’s car pulls into the parking lot. I’m kinda bummed when I see it. The air-conditioning in his car sucks. I grab my bag and throw its strap over my shoulder. I see Jared’s door open. He steps out of the driver’s seat. The passenger door opens and his friend Charlie steps out. It seems a little weird that Jared’s here. He’s not usually the kind of brother to drive two hours to pick up his little sister. I can’t even imagine what my mom had to do to convince him to come.

Sarah and I carry our bags down to the parking lot. Jared smiles at both of us. Just with his mouth though. The rest of his face looks too tired or bored or busy to smile.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” I say back. “What are you doing here?”

Jared reaches for my bag. “Mom needed me to come get you guys.” He sounds weird. Nice. Not the way an eighteen year-old would talk to his little sister and step-sister. And I don’t like the way he’s still half-smiling at us.

“What’s going on?” I say.

He doesn’t answer. He pops the trunk and pushes my bag into it. He takes Sarah’s bag from her and shoves it in as well.

I don’t understand why I’m not getting any information from Jared. I look over at Charlie. I don’t know how Jared conned him into driving all this way with him. I didn’t even think they were that close of friends.

Charlie’s watching Jared, and then meets my gaze. He stares at me for a second, then smiles. His smile is still hanging on his mouth as he goes back to watching Jared shut the trunk.

Jared heads back to his seat. I look over at Sarah. She’s frowning after Jared. At least she can tell that something’s not right. It’s not just in my head. We both stand there for a second. Jared and Charlie are already back in the car.

Sarah moves. She walks to the seat behind Jared and climbs in. I grab the car door and slide in behind Charlie. He’s watching my brother again. I can see a fraction of a smile still lingering on the corners of his mouth. Then Jared starts the car. He pulls out of the parking lot. He accelerates onto the freeway and clears his throat. Charlie looks forward.

“I have to tell you guys something,” Jared says.

My stomach drops. My skin tingles. I’ve heard people say that when something bad happens, the world slows down. But it doesn’t right now. Right now it’s the opposite. It’s speeding. I see that whatever is about to happen is horrible and I want to stop it. I feel it rushing at me and I can’t figure out how to pause it.

I see Jared glance into the rearview mirror. His eyes meet mine and then Sarah’s. I try to yell, I don’t want to hear it, but I’m not fast enough.

“It’s Isaac, isn’t it?” Sarah says.

I’m so mad at her for saying it. I want to scream at her to shut up. I just want it to stop.

Jared looks at us in the rearview mirror again.

“Yeah.”

Sarah bursts into tears.

No. Jared, stop.

“He’s gone.”

Sarah wails. My face burns. Hot pain rips through my throat. Jared’s eyes turn back to the road.

This isn’t how things work. Your life can’t change this fast. You can’t go away for a stupid retreat, and lose part of your family.

With just a few words. With a glance in a rearview mirror.

I think I’m crying now. I’m not sure. All I feel is something clawing its way through my throat. The pain is suffocating me. Or maybe I’m just suffocating as it is. I can’t breathe past these knives slicing through me.

Sarah’s sobbing fills the car. Flooding over all of us. Loud and shrill and sloppy. Jared’s quiet. Charlie stares forward.

I wonder how much time has passed in this car. Twenty-five seconds? Thirty? So short an amount of time I should be able to undo it. Go back somehow. Wake up from this nightmare. It can’t be real.

I don’t want to, but I see him. His face. His ugly naso-gastric tube taped to his cheek. His giant blue eyes roaming around without focus. The vision of my baby brother ignites a pain that throbs in my head. I grab it with both hands and lean over my lap. The pain swells outward on my skull. It pulsates with Sarah’s sobs.

The visions come faster now. They fly through the dark behind my eyelids.

His hands folded in front of him.

He watches them from the corners of his eyes.

His wisps of blond hair.

His skinny legs.

His half-smiles.

His machines, that fed him and medicated him, and couldn’t save him.

“What happened?” Sarah screams.

Shut up! I don’t want to know what happened. If she could just be quiet for a second, I could figure out a way to undo all of this.

Jared doesn’t answer her. He just looks at her as she rocks back and forth and weeps. He looks at me. All I can see in the mirror are his eyes. Quiet and broken.

I know I’m crying now. I squeeze my eyes shut harder and harder with each sob. Grab my head and try to will this moment to never have happened. The cries grow stronger. Like they’re not from me; they’re some creature living inside me. Mutating. Gaining power. Taking over more and more of my body. Wrenching me into a ball. Crushing my stomach muscles together. I feel myself disappearing into them. I open my eyes to escape.

I look up and see the back of Charlie’s head. He stares forward. Blond hair past his ears. His neck has red splotches in it. He sits in a car with three siblings who are falling apart.

I forget myself for a second and wonder what he’s feeling. How he can stand sitting there with Sarah’s wailing and Jared’s silence?

I wonder what it feels like to be stuck with us.

Trapped in a car with us. Trapped in a memory we’ll be desperate to forget.