This I Believe [guest]
I believe in regret.
This belief in regret has given the courage to break out, and break up. Before my belief I lived a safe life, staying within the walls that had been erected for my safety and success. I thought that life was about security and success, risk losing those and risk losing happiness. A safe life meant living carefully and following the rules.
During my freshman year in college I worked in a Hospice inpatient unit as a nurse's assistant that forever changed my view on life and instilled within me a sense of wonder regarding life. While working for Hospice I met some remarkable people who taught me how to live and love. At a mere 19 years old I was suddenly faced with questions about mortality and how I wanted to live my life and how would I feel when it was my time to die?
Would I be the patient who died with the crippling powerlessness of regret or would I be the patient who knew that she had lived life as fully as possible without major regrets?
Regret can touch our lives in many ways. Most often we feel its tentacles with late apologies, the flowers that we never sent but should have, the love we failed to give away, and time spent doing instead of being. I watched the pain of regret loom over people like a dark cloud that rendered them helpless and in pain. It was too late to do what they had not done-and they could not undue what had been done.
These were good people, people who by all accounts should have been okay with the way they lived their life, they were generous, good family people that resembled me - yet they regretted the things they never did. I am not sure why they didn't do what they wanted to, I don't think it's my place to figure that out. But I have decided to learn from them and honor their lives and deaths by living mine.
I thought about running a marathon, and I knew that I would regret not running one more then I would regret doing one - so, I did it. I loved with my heart wide open knowing full well that it would possibly get shattered... and and sure enough it did, but I still love - I can't not love as the pain of not loving is worse then the pain of a broken heart which always heals. I laugh hard, and I cry hard, because I will regret holding back. Now, I live with the cloud of regret looming over my head but instead of raining down powerlessness, it gives me shade from the harsh sun.
I believe in regret because it has opened up my heart and allowed me to run through open fields all the while sharing my life with others. This I believe.
Summer Lillie is a 27 year old girl who is taking it one day at a time with a great big dream to love the world - one sick person at a time.
I love the thought that looming regret offers not powerlessness, but protection.
ReplyDeleteThese were good people, people who by all accounts should have been okay with the way they lived their life, they were generous, good family people that resembled me - yet they regretted the things they never did.
I'm not entirely sure what would cause someone to feel that way. Maybe this is my being an introvert, but I think I would regret not living a generous, quiet family life in which I gave myself to those around me and filled what needs I could. I don't think the regret I might feel over never having flown an airplane, toured this or that foreign country, etc. would compare. Personal accomplishments seem less important to me than they did just a few years ago, though I wouldn't say they're entirely unimportant.
Ultimately, what I'm saying—and I do believe this is part of your message as well—is that a life lived in selfless love, forgiveness, and hope, is a life with nothing to regret at its end.
yeah - i too like the thought of regret being more complex and even able to be handled redemptively.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the different perspective on regret, something I have always feared and fear deeply. A redemptive view of regret feels to me like failure, but your words help me see how it's more like grace.
ReplyDeleteThis piece absolutely makes me smile. I love that you, Summer Lillie, are a person who is full of life but who can still write a piece about regret and give courage to others to live fully and be fully known. Thanks for this.
ReplyDeletei have i difficult time with the idea of death. i like my life. or at least i like what i think it could be. there have been times in my spiritual walk (when ive felt closer to God) that i felt ok with dying. but i seem to usually come back to my default feeling that i'm scared of death. this isn't really addressing the point you were making - but my reaction to your piece mostly has to do with your working with hospice. im impressed by that. my grandmother does it as well. it makes me uncomfortable.
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