Letters to a Three year-old, Part 2 [annie m]

My Son,

I'm at a loss and I feel like a failure. Today was the epitome of our relationship, I feel. It started off great. We hung out together and had great conversations and enjoyed each other. Then you yelled at and hit Emma and I yelled at you. You made her cry and I told you to get out. I hate saying that. I don't want to banish you from my presence. I don't even want to not deal with you. I just don't know how when Emma's crying, the chicken is burning and my hands are covered in salmonella. What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I lash out at you. Your Daddy takes you for a walk and I'm left alone with my latest failed attempt at parenting.

How do we get you to understand that you need to listen? How do we make you understand that you are not in competition with Emma for our love? What is it going to take to be your parents? I don't know.

I don't know how to make you stop throwing things in Emma's face. I don't know how to get you to stay out of the corner. I don't know how to make you understand that you can't just disobey Miss Courtney because it's more fun to run around by yourself. I don't have the faintest idea how to instill things like honor, courage, trustworthiness, and protectiveness in you. I feel so unequal to the task.

You are such a cool kid! You love making Emma laugh. You snuggle up so sweetly. You are so curious and alive. You love to learn and you love to run. You have the biggest eyes that show the enormous depths of your soul. I don't know how to spend enough time with you. I don't know how to give you enough love. I don't know how to see past your behavior to what you really need. God! How am I supposed to be your mom?!

But I love you. And I like you. I really like who you are. Even the things you do that are so naughty, I see traits of yours in them that are really cool. When you hit Emma when she refuses to play with you, I can see that you are hurt by her rejection, and I love that you put your heart out there. I love your curiosity and independence when you're getting into things you're not supposed to get into. I love that you find enjoyment in just running around - and if someone else wants to run around with you, great! I hope that you always love just running around. I just don't know how to get the little boy you are now into a man who is strong and confident in who he is and will do the right thing despite what his own self or others may want. What does it take?

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Mommy,

I love you, too. But I don't know what you want from me. You talk a lot, but I don't really understand what you're saying. Then you start yelling and I get so mad 'cause you hurt my feelings. Why do you always yell at me? Emma does stuff wrong all the time, but you don't yell at her. She's the one who starts touching the computer when you said not to, but then you yell at me.

I like when you read to me and when we do school. That's fun. But then, I don't want to stop being with you! I want to still have fun with you. I like being with you. You only do boring things and I think we would have more fun if you did what I want to do. You should come play with me. I could show you really fun things to do.

I love you. Just come play with me.