Hope Deferred: A Lament [vanessa]

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...

Life is a constant succession of transitions. As I look back and ponder my life, there have been five pivotal points of transition –
high school graduation;
the summer after my freshman year of college;
the semester I lived in France;
graduate school;
AND moving to Lebanon.

Each transition carried with it a certain amount of joy, anticipation, and excitement. Yet, at each of these points of change I found myself filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. Dread can manifest itself in many forms. Mine often creates a gut-wrenching feeling of anxiety that neither flees with distraction nor is calmed with busyness. It is a lingering stalker in the pit of my soul that never truly leaves, but simply chooses to hide in the shadows until another transition arises.

I am, yet again, at one of these pivotal points of transition. Once again I am at the place where I long to experience joy and excitement, but am visited by my bittersweet friendship with dread. In the past I have linked my relationship to dread with grief. Transition carries with it a necessary grieving process. I enter grief readily and do not fear the feelings of death and sorrow that accompany it. I have learned to receive sorrow as the baseline to the song that is life. Yet, despite the truth in this, this answer simply doesn't go deep enough. Not this time. My heart is a cavernous well that is desperately longing to have its seemingly insatiable thirst...satisfied.

As I see it right now, I have five options:
1. Ignore My Thirst
2. Quench My Thirst
3. Drink Contaminated Water
4. Deny That I Am Thirsty
5. Dive Into the Caverns and See Just How Deep They Are

Throughout my life, I have chosen options one through four [repeatedly] and while my thirst was temporarily relieved, it was never satisfied. I was, and am, desperately thirsty. Like the rich man in Luke 16...a single droplet of water would soothe the anguish in my soul. Even a moment's worth of Living Water must be sweeter and more satisfying than options one through four.

It is tempting to continue to cycle through doors one through four, but really those aren't options any more. They only serve as counterfeit fulfillments for the deepest desire of my heart. It is time not to desire less, but more.

The denial that I am slowly beginning to walk out of is now allowing me to see that my dread is acutely linked to my desires – most especially those that are deferred. One of my favorite quotes states that “our desires are not too strong, but too weak.” I've spent my time seeking satisfaction and fulfillment through work, relationships, education, sex, image...the list could go on. Yet I deny the deepest desire of my wayward heart – the thirst for Living Water. Desire is not inherently wrong, it is what it is. But the way in which I manipulate my life in order to ensure the fulfillment of my desires actually keeps me from being fulfilled and leads me into a carousel of vain imaginations.

So, then what does it mean to dive into the depth of desire? Not to explore it less, but to explore it more? What is this ultimate desire that my heart is so deeply crying out for? My soul is hungry and thirsty. I've have been to many lavish banquets and have feasted upon the finest food, only to be left feeling ill and malnourished. All that I have desired I have sought after was, in the end, disappointing. I am quite certain that even the lingering desires that roam about in the caverns of my heart will prove disappointing. In all of my searching I have found that there is truly only one desire that will not disappoint – Hope.

The Living Water, my Hope – our Hope – is the deepest desire of my heart. It is for him that I hunger and thirst and long for. All other desires are simply passing shadows of the Hope that has come, is here and is coming again. Without Hope, dread reigns. Yet, Hope never ceases to extend this invitation:

“Is anyone thirsty? Come and drink—even if you have no money! Come, take your choice of wine or milk—it’s all free! Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength? Why pay for food that does you no good? Listen to me, and you will eat what is good. You will enjoy the finest food.”

It would be easy to assume that if we could only drink a glass of this water or eat a plate of this food that my thirst and hunger would cease. Yet this is not the promise. The promise is that we will never need to look for another banquet to attend. We can be eternally assured that we know where the well is with the best water that never runs dry and the table that will never lack second (or fiftieth) helpings. Come...leave behind your table scraps and sour wine. Feast with me at the King's table. There's always room for one more.

...A desire fulfilled is a tree of life.