Memories Everywhere [teddi]

One thick, humid August morning I woke up and realized that all of my friends were gone. They had packed their cars up and boarded airplanes and now were far away from my embrace. I would walk around the house and constantly be reminded of memories. Memories. Memories everywhere. Nothing would ever be the same again. I was lonely and I was alone.

*~*

A few weeks later, my first day of college began. With an ache in my heart I trudged through what would now be my new life. I walked into the wrong buildings and I got lost all the time. I thought if I had to smile at one more stranger my face would shatter. I wanted to wear a sign around my neck answering those asinine questions so I would not have to say them 50 times a day. "I am Teddi. I’m a freshman. I’m a Psychology major. What about you?" I knew nothing and no one. I was treading in the shallow end with no deep connections and no familiar faces.

I joined the swim team. After long autumn days I loved taking the long walk to the pool, leaves crunching beneath my feet. I would throw my long hair in a swim cap and dive into the cool blue water. All I could hear then was the faint blowing of whistles and the splashing of water as I moved one arm in front of the next. One more stride. One more stride. Before I would flip off the wall I’d look up at Mary, our coach. She’d give a huge grin and say, “Just keep going.”

That’s what I did. I just kept going. I swam and swam, literally, and figuratively. I swam the Olympic pool till my joints were sore. I swam through everything else; homework, interactions, lessons, conversations, joys, tears, exams, failures, successes and blessings. I swam like a fish in streams of possibility and adventure. I swam and swam.

Then one day came it out of nowhere. Lifting my head up out of the water to catch a breath, I realized I had peace. I had found contentment with this new place of my life. I was not only content, I was happy. I am not sure when it came. What was I wearing? Was it raining? Was it snowing? Did anyone notice? I could not track peace’s progression. Just one day it was there. It came like a thief in the night only it took nothing. It only gave.

*~*

Sitting now in my favorite Professor’s office. We have become close. I have learned to rely on peeking into her office and sitting on the floor, up against the large bookcase for an afternoon visit. I tell her all of this. I tell her about loneliness, about swimming, about finding peace. She had a smirk on her face I did not understand. Then she gave a little laugh and said with light heartedness, “Teddi, you’re just coming alive.”

It was raining the day she said that. Hard drops were hitting the window like quarters falling from the sky. After a hug goodbye, I walked out of her office and my feet were drenched in the deepening puddles collecting on the concrete.

As I walked I thought all of what time had taken and all of what it had allowed. Old friends leaving, ones that I still sincerely miss. New friends being made. Outlets for my passions. Leadership positions. Valuable lessons learned. Tears cried. Jokes made. Deep relationships. A voice found. A school I love. A heart grateful. A hard, challenging, but wonderful nine months.

It is obvious to me that this time is special. I feel unformed, yet deeply moved.
I feel peace and security despite being in continuous growth and movement. I am the happiest I have ever been.

The rain is dying down and sunshine is peaking through the campus trees. I stop and admire the spring scenery and think it’s a perfect day for a swim.

*~*