Coming Home: To Hope [vanessa]

I've always dreamt of being married.

~Gum Drop Wishes~

"One fish, two fish, red fish, blue..." I heard the door snap shut. I dropped my book to the floor, scrambled off my bed, and ran straight into the living room. I stopped at the glass door. Tears began streaming down my face as I stared at the empty parking space along the curb. The cloud of exhaust was quickly being carried away by the breeze. I smashed my cheek against the warm glass, hoping that I could see his truck before he turned off our street. I looked down and saw the plastic badge with his picture on it lying on the mat. He must have dropped it as he walked out the door. My tiny six-year old fingers clung to his badge as if it was all I had left of him. He had left for work without saying goodbye.

My mom gently led me to his big blue chair and held me on her lap. Once the pace of my tears slowed enough for me to formulate intelligible words, I told my mom that I wanted to marry my dad. I can still remember my heart crushing downward into my chest when I learned that my mom was already married to my dad and that little girls can't marry their daddy.

~Star-Crossed Lovers~

As we sat in his mom's maroon van in the empty school parking lot, I knew the end was coming. I sobbed, slowly embracing the idea that when I would wake up in the morning he wouldn't call. He wouldn't come pick me up. There would be no more late night movies where I would peacefully fall asleep, at rest in the security of his presence. I sat in the passenger seat, weeping, and clinging to the moment for as long as I could. He stared at me, his eyes moist. I wondered if his tears were because of his pain, my pain, or some sort of hybrid pain. In my desperation, I prayed - finally realizing that the only person able to do anything in this situation was God. I was powerless and everything was out of my control Silence filled the van like a wave crashing over our bodies, leaving both of us paralyzed.

As my mind reels back over ten years, I can't even remember the words I uttered to God, but I can assure you He did not answer my prayer in the way I felt He should have. In that moment my heart changed. I resolved I would never again be hurt in this way. God simply could not be trusted - He had betrayed me. Whatever life existed in my heart that day was put to death.

~The Awakening~

The humidity had wafted away with the sunset, only the lingering summer warmth remained. My skin was sticky, covered by a thin layer of sweat. The sky was clear and I scanned the constellations for Orion's Belt. The moonlight gleaned through the silhouettes of the trees lined along the fence. My feet began hitting the rubber track as fast as my legs would carry me. I was alone. Suddenly, a voice call out from within the darkness, "Why are you running from me?" The moment was surreal, but I wasn't scared. I simply responded with "I don't know." He gently told me to stop. I suppose I was more tired than I thought I was because I gave up without a fight. That moment changed everything.

Every time I gaze at the night sky - regardless of where I am in the world - I always look for Orion's Belt. There's something comforting in its constancy. Realizing that I no longer needed to run, I slowly walked home under the gaze of the full moon and the steadfastness of Orion's Belt. I felt as though I had been awakened from a deep sleep - like I had been brought back from the grave. Hope had reached into the depth of my death and called out the shred of life that was buried under layer upon layer of solid rock. In the moment where I most needed to be rescued, Hope arrived.

~The Valley of Achor~

He lingered in the office as I worked. It was painfully obvious that he had something to say to me, but I waited for him to speak. As I sat down on the couch, I could feel the words that were about to come out of his mouth. "We're not ever going to be more than friends...." A million thoughts raced through my mind - but in the end no words were necessary. Thankfully, he left before the tears began to trickle down my cheeks. He had already seen enough of my tears.

This situation was all too familiar. This was the pain that I had experienced time and time again and had unsuccessfully attempted to shield myself from since I was six years old. Once again, I was powerless and everything was out of my control. Yet, this turn on the spiral yielded an unexpected response. Rather than rejection, I felt an invitation being extended to me. My sorrow became like sweet manna - reminding me of what once was and of what is possible. While the pain was familiar and piercing, the soil of my heart that had been tilled for so many years was able to continue to receive. To continue to give life...even while dying.

My life is not what I imagined it would be.

I still dream of being swept away into a fairy tale. I frequently envision carting a van full of children around. My desires haven't changed. In fact, they are stronger and deeper than I ever believed possible. With this comes pain, grief, sorrow, longing, and aching. Some days, I lay my courage down and seek solace in peanut butter cups, work, cleaning, or any other distractionary activity. Yet, when I choose to accept the invitation to enter into these rooms of despair, I find that that they actually become birthing rooms of passion, laughter, joy, peace, and - most of all - hope. Hope, not in the fulfillment of my desires, but in the One who placed desire in my heart in the first place. Hope in the One who knows my heart and is the only One able to grant its deepest longings. Hope in the knowledge that all of my desires are only glimpses of the glory that awaits.

At times, I would like to live in the delusion that the aches and longings of my heart will eventually fade away. That at some point on this earth, I will cease groaning with creation
for redemption. But even when I attempt to run or hide and my waywardness consumes me, Hope continues to call me home and invites me to journey deeper - again and again.

Oh I do believe
In all the things you see
What comes is better than what came before

And you'd better come come, come come to me
Better come come, come come to me
Better run, run run, run run to me
Better come
~Cat Power