Letters to a Three-Year-Old, Part 1 [annie m]
My Dearest Baby Boy,
I don't know what happened. I don't know what has changed. Your birth changed my entire heart. I never knew love like that existed before you. When I looked at you, I knew I was looking at my own heart. I wanted the rest of the world to disappear so that it would just be you and me. What happened? Why can't I stand you now? I know I still love you! I know you are still as important to me, but I don't want you around. I hide from you in the computer. I park you in front of the tv so that I can do what I want to do. I used to miss you when I was away from you for a couple hours - now, no amount of time is enough. You are so hyper and loud. You want my attention all the time. You're so insistent and frustrating. I want to be there for you, but I feel like you're sucking the life out of me. I yell at you all the time. I glare at you. I want to hit you. My dream with the lady hitting her child broke my heart, but that's me; and that's you. I hit you with my words and my angry glances. I shut you out and leave you alone. I see the looks you give me - sometimes so full of frustrated anger and sometimes so hurt and bewildered. It's like you're afraid of me - and you have every right to be. One minute, I'm smiling at you and the next, I'm screaming. Your eyes are so beautiful and expressive - I hate the me I see in them. I want to be friends again. I want us to play in the world that's just ours. So often, I kick you out or walk away. I see you alone and I want to be with you. I love you, my little man.
***
I love you, too, mr mommy
I want to be with you all the time. I love hugging you and being held. Do you remember when I was sitting on one couch and you were sitting on the other and I was on the other and I got up to come sit with you? I miss you, too. It seems like you don't want to be with me. Why are the dishes so important? Why are you always talking to other people and not to me? Why do you want to look at boring stuff on the computer instead of playing with me? The only time you see me is when I yell or make Emma scream. You say, "Maybe later." When? When are you going to play with me? When are you going to have time for me? When are you going to see me? We used to be friends. We used to share secrets and enjoy things together. Now you want to be with everyone else. I try to be funny for you and you smile politely at me or tell me to be quiet. I accidentally spill something and you make me feel like I'm so stupid. Do you hate me? You spill, too, sometimes! How do I get you to see me again? How do I get us to be friends? What do I have to do to get you to like me? I love it when we play together. I love it when we talk about things. I want to be friends again.
Wow! I appreciate your honesty and your rawness. Letters were a good choice. I especially loved the way you sought to see the world through "your baby boy's" eyes.
ReplyDeleteYou already know this made me cry. A lot. Good job saying things that I'm afraid to say.
ReplyDelete"You spill, too, sometimes!"
ReplyDeleteThat part speaks to, well yells at, me very deeply.
Incredible. Honest. Rough. No, sharp. Obviously I don't have kids, but we're monsters to lots of people sometimes, to many different relationships.
ReplyDeleteI also loved: "You spill too sometimes!"
It's a good thing there is so much grace.
I can see my niece in this somewhat. She's old enough now that she "should know better" and sometimes we forget that she is after all just 5. Her brother requires so much attention because he's still just really little that a lot of times anything she does seems like she's "getting in the way". Did you ever see the movie I Am Sam? For some reason, it reminded me of a line that was said by Michelle's character in reference to her relationship with her son. I also agree with Vanessa, liked the letter format. Great writing :-)
ReplyDelete